It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
