It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
