Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
