You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
