I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
