I don't usually arrange sex via text message
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You're like the curious george of whores
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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