Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Help. Why am I so naked?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
