I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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