: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
