all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
