my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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