at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
