happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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