I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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