i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
