I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
