I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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