well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
