Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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