Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
