did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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