I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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