omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
