my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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