cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just found puke in my bra..
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
