I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
