im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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