Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
