She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
