Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize