We named our party play list daddy issues
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
