Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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