I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
either way he was missing a nipple.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
