Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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