i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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