life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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