I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
