Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Randomize
