Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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