You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just cut my nipple shaving
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
