you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
