Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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