Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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