I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
This baby is an asshole
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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