If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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