lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I want to be your penis for a week.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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