i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
