Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
