I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
