My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
