then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
