We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
