We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
