I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
