I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize