The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I need to stop coming to work sober
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
