im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
im having a threesome with these popsicles
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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