sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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