how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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