Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
