Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
